Beautifully Broken
by legingercat
Summary: Something has happened to Inquisitor Tamsin Lavellan's people and her final remaining family member, her brother, Lincoln. The chain of events that ensue will see her stand to lose everything: her family, her people, her relationship with Cullen, and her mind. ***WARNING: 18 PLUS MATURE CONTENT. Contains graphic depictions of torture, violence, and sexual themes.***
1. Part I: Taken

"Inquisitor! Inquisitor! Lady Lavellan! Tamsin! Wake up!"

_Urgh fuck off…what time is it…what now? _She opened her eyes to find a panic stricken Leliana shaking her awake. This was bad. Leliana's face was pale as a ghost. She was definitely panicking. It was a rare sight, after all nothing rattled her, not even when facing death in the alternate future they went to in Redcliffe did she see her like this. Whatever it was it must be unspeakably bad.

"Leliana, what is it? Are you okay? Is it Samson, is he here?"

"No, it's the clan. Your brother. He's been taken."

_Link. No. No, this isn't happening. _Tamsin sat up, rubbing her hands over her forehead and down her messy braid. Her heart began to thump in her chest, the feeling of dread setting in her stomach.

"What happened? Are the people okay? Do you know where they've taken him? Who took him? We have to get him back, right now, call a council meeting we have to –"

"Sin…"

Leliana's face was ashen. She looked Tamsin in the eyes, tears welling in her own. Tamsin rose to her feet, rage building. Fists clenching, she turned on the spymaster.

"Leliana, tell me you know where he is and who has him, TELL ME!"

"It was the Venatori. They sacked the camp. They took your brother and then…they burned it to the ground."

"No. No! How did this happen? Why didn't your agents know about it? _What were_ _you_ doing that you didn't see it coming?"

"I'm sorry. They were very careful. We believe they may have used blood magic to conceal themselves from us. My scouts in the area have found several survivors and we are hopeful there will be more."

"Shit, of course they did. There is survivors? Well…that's positive at least, I suppose. What about Link? Have your scouts got any leads at all?"

"Nothing as of yet, ravens have been arriving thick and fast though. I should get back to the rookery and see if there are any updates. Are you okay?"

"Go. I'll be fine. Tell Cullen I need to see him immediately. Wake Dorian and Vivienne. Get them to tell you everything they can about Tevintan blood magic, any prominent citizens who are practiced in it, and any strongholds where it's used. I need a report as soon as possible."

"We'll find him."

"I know."

_Probably not alive though._

With that, Leliana took her leave. As Sin heard the lower door close she collapsed to her knees and screamed in pain and frustration. All this time she had been so worried about her enemies exploiting her relationship with Cullen that she completely failed to consider what would happen if they found her people. Perhaps she had been blinded by her faith in her little brother's leadership and skills, or by her growing love for the commander, but that didn't make it excusable. She needed a plan, and she needed one now.

_Why take him? What do they want? Is this about Alexius? _She was sitting at her desk with her head in her hands, pouring over all the possible scenarios, all the possible ways to go about getting him back in one piece. The trouble with dealing with the Venatori had always been their pension for chaos. They couldn't be reasoned with. They likely presumed Alexius dead, and if so then there was a strong chance Link was dead already. If they intended on using him to blackmail her, was she prepared to give them what it might be that they wanted? If it came down to it and she had to choose between saving Thedas or her brother, was she ready to make either sacrifice? The risks were so great to so many people. The reward in the great scheme of things, while equally as great to her, was minor when it also concerned the entire continent. Just when she thought she was going to break down and cry, she heard the downstairs door open, and she managed to choke back the tears.

Cullen came bounding up the stairs in plain leather breeches, boots, and a linen shirt. He immediately started towards her, but she didn't need him in boyfriend mode right now, she needed him to just do his job. She held her hand up an gestured for him to stop while she considered what orders to give.

"Don't. Right now, I need you to get any men you have in the area to rendezvous with Leliana's agents and retrieve the survivors. Children need to take priority with medical attention, water, and food. Instruct your men to bring them back to Skyhold as soon as possible. I don't give a shit if they have to ride their mounts to the ground to get here, they are to bring them back at all costs. I will have Fiona send some mages to meet them on the road."

"What about Link?"

"Link is not your concern."

"Tamsin…"

"Don't Tamsin me! You have no fucking idea what I am going through right now! My brother is as good as dead no matter what I do! My people have been killed, some may still not make sunrise, and there is _nothing _I can do about it! Nothing…I'm completely powerless."

"We don't know that."

"Yes! We do! Unless Leliana's men know exactly where he is and are following with some serious fire under their arses, then there exists exactly zero fucking ways that this ends well for him. I weighed up the possibilities, Cullen! You know I am never wrong."

_Don't let him see you cry. Don't do it. He can't see you crack. _She found herself standing beside her desk, panting. If he didn't believe she wasn't a lady before he sure did now after that display of choice language. He just stood there staring at her. She could see it in his face; pity. There was nothing more she hated in the world than being pitied.

"Don't look at me like that! Don't you _dare _take pity on me, not you."

She turned away from him so he wouldn't see the tears starting to roll down her porcelain cheeks, and closed her eyes praying to the Gods for a miracle.

"You have your orders, now go."

"We will find him. We will bring him back, one way or another."

"I know. I just don't want to set myself up for disappointment."

"I know."

She opened her eyes to find him in front of her. The pity was gone, replaced by a look she knew well on him: determination. He took her face in his hands, and wiped a tear from just below her eye.

"No, Cullen, I don't want you to see me like this…just go. Do your job."

"I don't care. I love you."

He planted a chaste kiss on her lips and left her alone with her tears.

It had been four days since the news broke of Link's capture. Forces had been dispatched to retrieve survivors, mages were making their way along the road out of Skyhold to meet with them to facilitate healing and recovery. Leliana's agents were very close to discovering the location of the Venatori camp on the Storm Coast where she believed he was being held. She was doing everything she could, she had taken the most logical course of action and things were progressing well from what accounts they had. So why did something still feel so wrong? Why this knot in her stomach? A twisting mass of anxiety and mild terror that she just couldn't untie.

She paced around the war table, eyeing the markers with such intensity she almost could have moved them with her mind. The other council members would be here any moment now, hopefully with news one way or the other.

_Hold on, Link. If you're still alive, just hold on, Little Bear._

"Have you been here all night?"

She looked up to see Cullen staring at her coloured fifty shades of concerned. He looked her up and down, taking in her disheveled appearance and his face fell. He couldn't look at her as he handed her the parchment in his hand. She unrolled it and began to read, seeing him lift his gaze to study her face intently as she took in the information in her hands.

"When did this arrive?"

"About ten minutes ago. Leliana seemed to think it best I gave it to you. What are you going to do?"

"The mages should have met your men by now. When was the last time a raven arrived from the rescue party?"

"Yesterday morning. It hasn't been enough time yet to suggest-"

"I'm going after them."

"Tamsin, are you insane? That is exactly what they want, can't you see that?"

"Then they need to be careful what they wish for. I'm going Cullen, end of discussion."

"Then I'm going with you."

"No, you absolutely are not."

"Yes, I am. I will not allow you to go after the Venatori half-cocked and clearly exhausted, it's too dangerous!"

"You will remain here, at Skyhold, where you will wait for further instructions! That is a direct order! Don't think for a second that my love for you changes the fact that I am your commanding officer. I will not tolerate insubordination. Not even from you. Do I make myself clear?"

_No, Cullen. You don't want to see this. You can't. I'm sorry but you have to stay. You need to stay where it's safe. _She stalked around the table towards the door. He still hadn't answered her. The pure frustration in his eyes was breaking her heart but it had to be this way. He was livid. She didn't want him involved in this, she needed him here, safe. She may have already lost her brother, she couldn't lose Cullen. He might be all she had left.

"I said, do I make myself clear, Commander?"

"Crystal."

The word was icy on his lips. He looked her dead in the eye so she knew exactly how he felt about all of this. Clearly there would be words had between them when she got back but she didn't have time to worry about it right now. Right now she needed to find her people, and find her brother.

"Good."

She stormed out of the war room, the tails of her floor length coat billowing behind her. Leliana was coming down the hall with another roll of parchment in her hand. Incensed and unable to control it, Tamsin shoved her, pinning her with a forearm across her throat against the wall.

"Where are they Leliana?"

For the first time ever she saw genuine fear in the spymaster's eyes. Leliana handed Sin the parchment, and slid down the wall as she was released, gingerly rubbing her throat.

Tamsin entered the Great Hall and turned towards the balcony where Vivienne had established her study. She hated Vivienne with a passion, but she had to hand it to the bitch, she was a fierce battle mage and she was cutthroat to boot. Plus she understood blood magic. She needed her today.

"Vivienne! Get your shit, get Dorian, get Cole and meet me at the gates in 10 minutes."

Clearly having heard the yelling, Josephine emerged from the corridor behind Tamsin, shocked and in a complete tiz. She followed as Sin made toward her quarters to get dressed and gather her weapons.

"Lady Inquisitor! You can't just, yell things like that in the Court! It's…just not done!"

She stopped and wheeled around to face the ambassador.

"Josephine, right now, I don't give a fuck!"

She slammed the door to her quarters behind her, right in Josie's face.

_I'm sorry Josie but I just can't care about that right now. Right now I have to hurt something, and I don't want it to be you._

Ten minutes later, she dropped down from the scaffolding just outside the gates of Skyhold. She had chosen to climb down from her balcony rather than risk having to deflect any other futile attempts by her peers at dissuading her from her mission.

"Right, are we ready to go?"

"Yes, Inquisitor, but are you going to tell us where we are going?"

"Viv has a point Sinny, this is all rather sudden, darling."

_You need to tell them. They need to know what they're getting themselves into. _She looked at the trio around her, nodding her head with resolve. Of course Cole already knew, she could tell the way he looked at her.

"We are going to find my brother."


	2. Part II: Sacrifice

Sin unrolled the parchment she had taken from Leliana in the hall. Cullen's men had crossed the Waking Sea before sending their last raven, they couldn't be that far. They would make for their last known location and go from there. She turned to Vivienne, swallowing her pride as she prepared to ask the mage for the worlds greatest and most dangerous favour.

"Vivienne, your research into transmutation…can you do it?"

"I can, but are you sure you are willing to pay the price?"

"Yes. We need to get to the Storm Coast, and we need to be there now. If you're positive you can get us all there in one piece, then make with the magic."

Dorian looked from Sin to Vivienne, question and concern dominating the play of emotions on his handsome face.

"Tamsin, transmutation is…"

"Blood magic."

Cole's icy blue eyes were piercing and wide as he said the words. He looked at Sin in disbelief.

"I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures."

_I need to be there, like yesterday. This is the only way. _She looked at Vivienne and nodded curtly. The enchantress plucked a rune stone from one of her many pockets, along with a knife. She placed the rune on the ground and raised a barrier around the group.

"So, where are we going, Inquisitor?"

"The Inquisition camp at small grove."

Vivienne made a small cut on the inside of her thumb and dripped her blood onto the rune stone, followed by Dorian, and Tamsin. Cole however, couldn't bring himself to do it.

"I…I can't, I'll meet you there."

"Fine. See you soon."

Cole could transmute without the use of magic, so she had no doubt he would be waiting for them when they arrived. Vivienne enacted the enchantment and suddenly Sin felt searing pain all over her body. It felt as though she was being pulled and stretched in every direction, like her bones were popping in and out of their joints and her muscles were tearing. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't see. She couldn't hear. Then suddenly she hit the ground with a thud, gasping for air and frantically checking all of her limbs were still attached.

The first thing she noticed was the smell. She knew it too well. The smell of burnt flesh dominated the air, the undertones of smoke and copper trickling through it. She steeled her stomach and looked up from her feet, but nothing could have prepared her for what she saw when she stood.

"They screamed. They were in so much pain. There was no warning. They died crying."

Cole was standing in the middle of the camp, inside the ring of red lyrium that was protruding from the ground in spikes that crisscrossed their way around the area.

On each cross was a flayed, charred corpse.

Soldiers.

Men.

Women…

…children. She counted four children.

_No. NO! _They were too late, by around twelve hours if her nose was anything to go by. The Venatori had hunted down her people and soldiers and butchered them mercilessly. Her heart began to beat faster than it ever had before, her hands turned to fists, and her skin burned with the desire for revenge. She whipped a dagger from her back and screamed as she forcefully threw it into the nearest tree.

Suddenly she was on her knees, reeling from the sight before her.

"Sin…I…darling I'm so sorry. Do you want me to build a pyre?"

She nodded her head slowly as Dorian took her into his arms. It wasn't how her people normally did things, but in the state that the bodies were in it was for the best. With the exception of the building rage in her belly, she was completely numb. She would not allow the Venatori to continue existing. She was going to eradicate them from the face of Thedas.

He released her and she took a piece of parchment and some ink from the pouch on her belt. Thankfully at least the ravens were unharmed. She began scrawling a message.

"_Cullen,_

_We were too late. The Venatori are to be eliminated immediately in all regions. You are hereby sanctioned to order your men to locate and kill on sight. There is no room for mercy._

_Sin."_

She threaded the small roll of parchment into the canister on the raven's foot and sent it on it's way. She took Leliana's parchment out of her pouch, the location of the Venatori camp written there in black and white.

It was time to end this.

Dorian and Vivienne had made quick work of constructing a pyre and relocating the bodies. Dorian handed her a torch and she lit the kindling. Their business here was done.

Her companions turned to her waiting for their next orders.

"So, who are we going to kill, Sinny?"

"Every last piece of Venatori scum on this forsaken piece of shit continent."

She reefed her dagger from the tree and sheathed it. Her companions followed her lead as she set out along the coast towards the place Leliana's men had tracked the Venatori to.

"You're going to lose control."

"Maybe that's exactly what needs to happen, Cole."

"You must not. You will regret it."

"I don't care."

The spirit boy disappeared from sight after that, and she strode in silence, flanked by Dorian and Vivienne.

"So is there a plan, Inquisitor?"

"A plan would be a good idea, Sin."

They were right. She shouldn't go in there a loose canon, she owed Cullen at least that much; to at least be careful. She had no idea how many enemies lay in wait in the fortress. Her main objective was to find her brother.

"Cole, you are to find my brother, and bring him to me. Infiltrate the fortress however you see fit, just don't let them see you. The rest of us will distract them while you extract him. Once Link is safely in my possession, we cleanse the fort."

The old Dwarven ruins at Daerwin's Mouth loomed ahead of them. The air around them was still, not a whiff of a breeze, or so much as the hint of an insect chirping or bird's song, just the waves crashing against the foundations. It was far too quiet. She unsheathed her weapons and preemptively applied the poison to them; it was a special secret concoction of her clan, and she may be the only one alive who knew it now. The neurotoxin caused near immediate, accelerated necrosis, eating away at an enemy's flesh as she cut them down with her blades. She looked to Cole and nodded sternly, and the spirit shimmered into the shadows.

"Darling, you know this is a trap, right?"

"Undoubtedly. Which is why we are going in the front door."

"I sure hope you know what you're doing, Inquisitor."

_So do I, Viv. _As they approached she saw two guards stationed at the gates. She quickly dispatched of them with throwing knives.

_Two? Is that it? Oh this is a trap alright. _Cole suddenly appeared beside her.

"I found your brother. He is alive. I couldn't retrieve him however. They are waiting for you, the White Fox."

"Did you pull that from my brother's head or theirs?"

"Both."

"Did anyone see you?"

"No."

"Good, stay hidden. We may need an element of surprise if this plays out the way I think it will."

The spirit boy melted back into the shadows.

_Who is in there? _Whoever it was they must be either very good at torture or have very good intelligence agents. Only her family members knew she was the White Fox, and Link would never roll on her like that, not without a very good reason.

_Hold on, Little Bear. I'm coming._

As she entered the cave leading to the heart of the ruins, she sheathed her weapons, instead readying several hidden blades on her wrists. They moved through the tunnels which were completely abandoned. Vivienne mended two bridges for them to cross, and as they walked across the second one, she saw them. Her brother, chained to a large red lyrium deposit that had spiked through the stone floor. On his knees, his hands extended outwards from his sides, he looked defeated and weak. As soon as he saw her his face fell, he hung his head, shaking it. His long, jet black hair falling like curtains over his face. He looked up, and two perfectly violet eyes stared into hers, begging her to run. They both had mother's eyes.

"No! No! Nésa! Run!"

A heavily armoured hand suddenly appeared, whipping her brothers face, sending a spray of blood across the stone.

"Inquisitor, when I heard you had made it out of Adamant Fortress alive, I'll admit I was a little excited at the chance of a second shot at you."

_No, you're supposed to be dead._ Livius Erimond.

"Livius, and here I was thinking I beheaded you myself. I should have known better."

"You really should have. Fooled twice by the same trick? Tisk, tisk."

"What do you want?"

"Always to the point, I do like that about you, but can't a man just want to catch up with an old…friend?"

"This seems a little excessive if it's a cup of tea you want."

"So much sass. You know, your brother did warn me about that. About his big sister, her slyness and brutality. The White Fox of the Free Marches, crafty, beautiful, and deadly. It seems you have quite the reputation young lady, not to mention the body count."

"So, blackmail it is then is it?"

"Oh no, we don't want anything from you. We just wanted to know more about you. Who better to ask than your favourite little brother."

"Sinny, is this true?"

She felt Dorian and Vivienne's eyes boring holes in the back of her head. She was the White Fox of legend. Before she was the Herald of Andraste, before she was the Inquisitor, she had been the name that struck fear into the hearts of every bandit, mercenary, and criminal in the Free Marches. Some called her a hero, others branded her a felon. In actual fact all she ever did was follow her father's orders. Tracking down and eliminating threats before they happened was what she did, and she had always had a habit of leaving quite the trail of blood in her wake.

"So what, I have a past. I don't see how that information helps you."

"You're right, what good would it do me to give you any more of a hero status than you already have. The information doesn't help me at all, but I had some time to kill while we waited for you. You see, young Lincoln here appears to be the only person you care about in this world anymore, and we all know you would never hurt one of your own."

_Thank the Gods, they don't know about Cullen. _

"Tell me what you want or I swear to the Creators and the Maker I will gut you where you stand!"

"We want you. It would seem we can't take the anchor from you, so we need to take you."

"And if I refuse you'll kill my only reason to live. Didn't anyone ever tell you how dangerous a cornered animal was?"

"Oh, I think we both know you won't refuse. It's no secret that you hold no faith in Andraste or the Maker. You're certainly no patriot of these lands either, but for your people you'll do anything. You will go to any length to preserve them…or what's left at least. Women, always doing what it takes for their family, you're all so weak."

_Link, you fool. You brave fucking fool. _This was what it had come down to. There was no way she could win in this situation. There was only one logical solution, only one choice she could make and Lincoln knew it. She felt the ringing in her ears and the weakness in her knees as she looked into her brother's eyes.

"Car sa, Nésa." _Do it, sister._

Her brilliant little brother, so clever, so courageous. He was willing to go to his death so that she may save Thedas. He was counting on it. Link had convinced Livius that his plan was fool proof. He had convinced Livius that no matter her achievements, she was still a woman, that her protective instinct would betray her. Really he knew his big sister all too well. He knew she would take the most rational course of action; that he was expendable.

"Im melme ilce, Honeg."

"Im melme ilce, Nesa."

Link closed his eyes and tilted his head back, opening himself up for the shot. Like lightning, she raised her hand and released one of her hidden blades, landing it perfectly in his jugular. Her body went numb as she watched the last traces of life leave his handsome face.

_Goodbye, Little Bear. I love you. _

"The thing about cornered animals, Livius, is that they are dangerously unpredictable."

With her words, Dorian and Vivienne sprung into action as though they read her mind. Dropping a stealth pouch, she ripped her blades from their sheaths on her back, and sprinted towards Livius. She heard Cole attack several soldiers from the shadows to her left, as the mages made short work of the soldiers to her right. Livius had been rather undermanned it would seem, he must have really been counting on her coming quietly. Dorian had instinctively raised a barrier around her, protecting her from the flames and bolts the mages were throwing.

She made short work of the two guards in front of Livius, slashing their throats simultaneously, leaving their heads connected by a mere few tendons as they fell to the ground. Agile as a halla, she somersaulted over his head to land at his back, one dagger across his neck, the other pointed just to the left of his spine. She shimmered back into full view.

"What was it you used to say to them? Your victims, right before they died?"

"How did you find out about my brother?"

"Always to the point. Why don't you ask Alexius, after all, I'm just following his lead."

_Alexius? How?_

"Any last words?"

"The Elder One is coming for you, and I'll laugh from my grave when he finally rips your soul from your pretty little corpse."

"Let's not keep you from it then."

She slowly began to force the dagger at his back through, guiding it between his ribs and slowly into his heart. As the blood began to gurgle and bubble out of his mouth, she pulled her other blade across his throat, swiftly relieving his body of its head. Kicking him in the back as she withdrew her weapon, his body crumpled in front of her, his head tumbling after to land at Dorian's feet.

"Like I'd ever speak those sacred words to you, you piece of shit."

Looking up, she saw her companions had finished off the remaining Venatori soldiers with ease. She immediately dropped her weapons and ran to her brother, who was lying lifeless on the stone. Cradling his head in her lap, she bent to kiss him gently on the forehead, brushing his ebony hair from his face.

"Oh, Little Bear. My Little Bear. _O Falon'Din_ _Lethanvir-Friend to the Dead_

_Guide my feet, calm my soul,_ _Lead me to my rest."_

Cole appeared at her side, picking the locks of the shackles on Link's wrists.

"He loved you more than he ever had the words to say. You were his hero. He was glad you chose to stay his hero."

"Thank you, Cole."

"We will bring him back. It is what you want. I will bring him."

Nodding her head slowly, she laid her brother's head down gently and got to her feet. She retrieved her weapons and sheathed them, then made for the exit. They needed to get back to Skyhold and fast. She had work to do.

"Sin, are you alright?"

"What do you think? Do I fucking look alright? Of course I'm not you twat! I just had to kill my own fucking brother! Andraste's tits, Dorian, honestly! Let's just get back to Skyhold. We travel straight through, no stopping, no bitching about it. If I catch you sending any ravens ahead of us then Maker help you, Pavus."

_Alexius has a payment to make._


	3. Part III: Ultraviolence

She forced them to keep travelling through the night. They should arrive just before dawn at this pace. She had avenged her brother and her people, but she wasn't done yet. The blood of their killers stained her armor, it was congealed in her hair, it was still sprayed across her face, making a stark comparison on the alabaster of her skin. She had made no attempt to remove it, instead wearing it like war paint in preparation for battle. She still wasn't done. What she had seen on the Storm Coast had awakened the dormant inner demon she carried with her everywhere. The bloodlust was building inside her stomach like a hurricane, bubbling, burning, begging her for tribute; she intended to pay.

As the first glimpses of light appeared on the eastern horizon, she stormed through the gates and into Skyhold. The others had stopped to rest so she left them behind. She knew Dorian well enough to know that the first thing he would do would be to run to Cullen, to get him to talk her down. She couldn't have that. She might come to resent her actions today, but she wouldn't allow herself the chance to resent either of them for stopping her. This was something she had to do, she had to feed the demon. Alexius was responsible for all of this, she knew it. Somehow. He had to pay. The time for niceties and gathering intelligence was over. This ended here, today.

All she could hear as she marched towards the dungeons was a ringing. A nagging, high pitched, incessant buzzing. If anyone saw her or spoke to her she didn't notice. Her eyes were locked on their target and nothing would pull her focus. Not Cullen or Dorian. Not Josephine's concerns for her reputation. Nothing.

She took a knockout pouch from her belt and emptied the fine powder into her hand. The guards on duty never saw her coming, and they would never remember she was here. The last thing she needed was them alerting Cullen before she completed her objective.

Alexius was awake, standing shackled to the wall in the interrogation chamber.

"You cock sucking son of a Tevinter whore!"

"Inquisitor, you got my message then?"

"Oh I got it alright."

Reaching for one of the daggers from her back, she took it by the blade and whipped the grip across his face, sending blood and at least three teeth flying from the ex-magister's mouth.

"I hope it was worth it, because the Ether is going to look like a fucking blessing by the time I'm finished with you."

She opened the dusty trunk in the corner of the room, breaking the lock with the hilt of her weapon.

_Jackpot. _She looked at the smorgasbord of toys in front of her, thumb screws, several tailed whips, a head crusher, breast ripper, a pear, and a knee splitter just to name a few. She took the splitter in her hands, it was old but in working condition. It was time for her to teach Alexius the true meaning of pain.

"Do you know what this is, Alexius?"

Her tone was calm though her heart was racing in her chest. She took the splitter and placed his elbow between it's rows of rusted, blunt teeth.

"This is what is going to make you tell me why."

She began slowly turning the screws. She watched mesmerized as they slowly cut into his flesh, blood leaking from the wounds, dark and thick, oozing in tiny, beautiful rivers towards the floor. The fresh smell of copper invading her nose, gently soothing her like a warm blanket. She completely blocked out the sound of his pain; she just kept turning.

Turn. Scream.

Turn. Moan.

Turn. Pop.

Scream.

Turn. Crunch.

Whimper.

"You took away my son! You took my son from me!"

_Felix? _Tamsin snapped too when she heard the words. This was all retaliation for Felix?

"I did no such thing! You did that to yourself. Felix was right, people die. It's not my fault he was sick. It wasn't my brother's fault, and it sure as fucking shit wasn't my clan's fault!"

She turned the screw on the splitter one final time. The resulting sound of crushing bone, squelching blood, and tearing flesh, echoed around the room. She forgot how much she actually missed the sound. Alexius shrieked, the sound echoing through the dungeons.

"How did you do it? We've had you here for months. Who helped you?"

She reached into the box and pulled out an eight tailed whip with small rusted metal beads dotted along the lengths of the leather.

"Tell me! How!"

She flogged Alexius across the stomach, soliciting a roar of pure anguish from her prisoner. The beads had torn his soft flesh to ribbons, blood sluggishly weeping from the lacerations. She fetched the bowl of salt and smeared it into the wounds, massaging it in as he groaned and began to sob.

"You think that hurts?"

She dug her fingers into the canyons the whip had cut into his torso and dragged them down, tearing through his skin and leaving salt along the way.

"You…stupid…Dalish….cunt. You think…you're so…untouchable. The Elder One will…end you. He hears all his children."

_They're connected? They're all connected to him? That was where they were getting their intelligence. Fuck. _She dove into the box and retrieved the pear.

"Time to shut up, arsehole. And thanks to you, I am untouchable now."

She shoved the pear in his mouth to effectively gag him, knocking out his remaining teeth as she did. She didn't need to hear any more. Now she just wanted to punish him. She began to turn the key to the device, fixated by the way it expanded in his mouth. Something so small that inflicted so much pain with so little effort; the design was simply brilliant. She twisted it until the skin around his lips began to split, but not quite so far as to dislocate his jaw.

It was at that point she heard the main doors to the dungeon open and commotion ensue down the hall. Racing back to the door, she locked it and barred it, pushing the large table in the centre of the room against it for good measure.

She returned to the box and retrieved the ripper. She was running out of time. She had wanted to draw this out, to take her time, to break him over and over again but the time for finesse was over.

"You ripped my heart out. Let me return the favour."

She clamped its teeth down on the flesh above his heart and slowly squeezed. He shook his head, his eyes wide with fear and begging her not to. As she felt the teeth meet under his flesh, she yanked, ripping off the majority of his pectoral muscle. She tossed the ripper aside, spraying blood and flesh across the room. Blood had spurted out of the wound on Alexius' chest, spattering her with it's crimson warmth. The footsteps were getting closer in the hall. Alexius' body was hanging limply from the shackles on the wall.

"TAMSIN!"

_Cullen. No. _It was too soon. She checked Alexius' pulse; still alive. She decided to make one last poetic statement as she heard Cullen starting his attempts at forcing the door down. It wouldn't take him long.

"Sin! It's not too late to stop! You can stop!"

_Oh but it is, baby. I'm sorry. _She took hold of the pear and tore it from her subject's mouth, leaving his jaw dislocated and broken, hanging limply from the bottom of his face like macabre drapery. She heard the door splintering.

"Sin! Please listen to me! You are not a savage, you don't have to do this."

_Oh but I am, and I do. _She took a dagger from her back, the one she secretly referred to as Pain, and sunk it deep into the groove just below Alexius' sternum and twisted. She withdrew and sheathed it, and then plunged her hand into the cavity, clasping it around Alexius' still barely beating heart.

The door cracked and yielded as she yanked the heart from his chest, and Cullen slid over the table to reach out to her.

"Sin…"

She whipped out her clean dagger, the one she called Panic, from it's sheath and turned with it extended toward the door. Her breathing was deep and ragged.

There she stood, a human heart in one hand, and Panic in the other, extended and ready to be thrown. Extended towards the last person in the world she would ever use it on; Cullen. A thunderstorm of emotions began to brew inside her, shame, grief, disgust, but none were as strong as the anger or the compulsion to finish what she started.

_I'm sorry, but I have to finish this. _Without moving her eyes from Cullen's face, she thrust the heart into the slack hole that was once Alexius' mouth, and in a motion almost too swift for the naked eye to see, whipped Pain from it's sheath and decapitated him. His head dropped to the floor and rolled to her feet, his heart spilling out to land on her boot.

"Oh, Sin…what have you done?"

The look on Cullen's face broke her heart all over again. She could almost hear it shatter, the sound reverberating through her mind like ripples across an otherwise still pond. Her arms grew weak. She lowered her weapons, looking at them in her hands and scarcely believing they were her hands at all. They clanged as she dropped them to the floor. Fixated on her palms, she began to shake. They were thick with blood. It was warm, sticky, and dark. There was so much blood. She looked up, catching his honey caramel eyes with her steely violet ones. She felt tears begin to trickle down her face and she sunk to her knees to sit in a pool of warm, coppery, liquid.

"…I…I…Cullen…"

_What have I done? _

She saw his jaw clench as he closed his eyes and turned his back on her, shoving the table out of his way angrily, walking back into the corridor and out of view.

"No…Cullen, please...help me…"

She began to hyperventilate, clutching at her own chest as she gasped for air and sobbed.

"Oh…darling…this is…what a mess."

Dorian's feet were suddenly occupying the space she was staring into as she reeled from the repercussions of her actions. He squatted in front of her and lifted her chin so she was looking into his deep chocolate eyes.

"Oh Sinny. Come on. Let's get you cleaned up."

He scooped her up in his arms as she shook and carried her out of the blood soaked cell. Black specks appeared at the edges of her vision as her head began to spin and she felt her grip on consciousness waning.

_What have I done?_


	4. Part IV: Comedown

_Oh, Sin, what have you done? _He couldn't get the image of it out of his mind. The savage look in her eyes. The heart in her hands. The body dangling limply behind her. The stench. The blood. There was so much blood. She was covered in it. Her blonde hair stained red, her blades coated. She had caused it, that overkill the likes of nothing he had ever seen. Now all he saw when he closed his eyes was the love of his life, kneeling in a pool of blood, trembling and begging him to help her.

And he had turned his back on her and walked away.

_Why did you do it, sweetheart? You were doing so well. It didn't have to come to that. You should have let me come with you. _His head in his hands he sat behind his desk feeling completely numb. He heard the gentle knock at the door and hesitated before he looked; if it was her, he couldn't face her yet, he was too ashamed.

"Dorian said you might need to talk."

_Leliana. It's just Leliana. _He did need to talk, he just didn't have the words. She came to his side and knelt, looking up into his eyes with concern and resolve.

"Cullen, listen to me. There is something you need to know about her, about people like us. You don't become the way that we are by choice. It is a nature born of necessity and a will to survive; a result of a life of exceptionally hard choices, pain, and broken hearts. It's not easy to do what we do, but it's also not easy to change."

He finally lifted his head to stare blankly at a space on the wall. Leliana stood and then sat on his desk, clearly deep in thought as to what she was going to say next, how she was going to tell him whatever it was she felt he needed to know.

"You see, it consumes you. It becomes you. It breaks you, changes you into an instrument of death. You need it because without it you'll go mad. It takes root in your soul, dwelling within like a demon of your very own, and if you don't feed it, it will destroy you. You control it because you've learnt how, but…that control will always be dubious, there will always remain a threat of something coming along to steal it. She's better with you, I have been watching her. She was so in control, but then what happened with Lincoln, with her clan…Cullen, ask yourself what kind of control you would have if that was you? With that kind of demon living inside you? If your whole family, your whole village and everything you ever knew was obliterated, what would you do? Could you have made the sacrifice that she made without suffering some collateral yourself?"

_Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. _As Leliana's words sank in, he began to put himself in Tamsin's shoes, tears prickling at the edges of his eyes. What she must be feeling. What would he have done? If he had the chance for revenge, would he have taken it? Would he even have the strength to make the level of sacrifice she had done? He had been so quick to judge her. How could he have been so cruel? She couldn't control her cruelty, but he had made the conscious choice to abandon her and show his. What had he done?

"Cullen, she needs you. She's better with you. Please, give her a chance… for all our sakes."

She stood from the desk and patted him on the shoulder, exiting his office in silence and leaving him alone with his thoughts once more. Leliana was right. He couldn't do this to Sin. He was angry with her, and for her, but he loved her more than life itself. He felt sick at the thought of a life without her.

If Leliana believed she was better with him, then maybe he could fix her; maybe they could fix each other.

"How is she, Dorian?"

Leliana met him at the lower door to Sin's quarters. They had managed to keep a lid on what had happened in the dungeons yesterday morning thanks to a master class in tact and spin from Josephine, but those who did know what had played out were all keeping a close eye on the Inquisitor. They began to walk towards the library tower together, talking in hushed tones.

"I've never seen her like this, Lel. It's like she's not even there. She just sits there, muttering to herself. She won't even talk to me, will barely make eye contact. Is this what happens when an assassin finally breaks?"

"It can. We are trained to block out emotion when it comes to certain aspects of our work, but sometimes events are triggered that makes it impossible; the result as you see can be devastating. To come face to face with all the atrocities you've ever committed…I wouldn't want to be her right now."

"It seems it could be avoided if they made you all tranquil, does it not?"

"It is not so simple. An effective agent needs to be so many things. Ruthless, capable, cunning, yes, but to be a true master like Tamsin, you also need to be an excellent actress. That is hard to do if you can't tap into emotions when you need to. Our emotions are as big a part of our arsenal as our blades and our minds."

"Have you spoken to the Commander yet? I'll be frank, I'm more than a bit pissed off that he hasn't put in an appearance. She needs him, the rest of us have done all that we can."

"I know, and yes I spoke to him…after a fashion. The conversation was rather one sided. I tried to explain this life to him, to put him in her shoes. I know Cullen, he will forgive her, but it will not be easy for him. He is a complex man with a difficult past of his own. He is prideful, and his pride has taken a great blow, by his own hand no less. I have every faith that he will swallow that pride, I just cannot say how long it will take him to do it. He loves her and that could make it simpler, or infinitely more complicated."

"Well hopefully it's the former, she is slipping more and more by the hour. The longer he takes the more of her we lose."

"I know…I can't help but feel this is all my fault. If I had have done my job better, the whole situation could have been avoided."

"Don't beat yourself up over it, love. The Venatori are crafty bastards and they are as unpredictable as the magic they use. Don't sell yourself short, your scouts tracked them down when many who have tried failed. Sin may still have learnt something more important from Alexius down there, hopefully she isn't too broken to remember."

"So it may not all be for a loss…time will tell I suppose."

_So much blood. So much blood. So much…what have I done?_ She sat curled against the railing of the balcony as every second of yesterday morning flashed before her eyes. Her hands were scrubbed clean now, but she couldn't look at them, all she saw was all that blood. The smell lingered in her nose, the sounds in her ears, and every time she closed her eyes all she saw was him turning away from her. Giving up on her, like she was beyond salvation.

Yesterday she lost everything. Her brother. Her people. Her lover.

Maybe even her mind.

_So much blood…so….much…_

_He's coming. You need to help him. He is pained. You must help him._

Cole's pale, blue eyes looked to the door that joined the battlements and the tavern and waited. Several minutes later, it opened, and Cullen was striding towards him, grim and defeated.

"I knew you would come. You are in pain. You need my help."

"Cole, don't take this as my condoning you being here. I just need to know, I need to understand."

"She only wanted to protect you. From them, from harm. From herself. She feels inferior to you, imperfect. She is afraid of you seeing that imperfection. She doesn't know that you are not so different. You need to show her. She is afraid of you leaving her. She is afraid of you giving up."

"Which is exactly what I did…"

The Commander slumped against one of the barrels in the loft, head in his hands.

_Yes. It is. _

"It is not too late. Though it soon will be. Her sun sets with every passing hour. She is slipping away. You love her. You must prove it to her, before she is lost to us all. She needs to see who you really are."

Honey caramel coloured eyes looked up at him full of humiliation, searching Cole's face for the courage to act.

"Can't you help her?"

"She is beyond my help. You are the only one who can bring her back to us now. She needs your forgiveness, not mine."

With that, he turned his back and disappeared into nothingness, leaving the Commander to his own devices. Cole had done all that he could, the rest was in Cullen's hands.


	5. Part V: Salvation

Cullen ascended the final staircase in Tamsin's quarters. He had no idea what he was going to say to her, or what he was walking in to. He just had to see her. He had to hold her. He had to come clean with her, about Kirkwall, about everything. Cole was right, she needed to know he wasn't perfect. Two days it had been since it happened. They had been like being tortured all over again.

Dorian was sitting on the couch reading when he reached her room. If Dorian could forgive her, then surely so could he? Alexius had been his mentor, his friend, and yet his loyalty to her had never faltered.

"Well it's about time, Commander. You look like shit by the way."

"Yeah, yeah. How is she? Where…is she?"

_I knew I should have worn my armor. _Dorian pointed to the door to the southern balcony. Cullen couldn't see her but she was good at hiding when she needed to.

"Listen, love, she's…fragile. I can't guarantee she'll be glad to see you, though I think she needs to. She's barely speaking to me, after you turned away from her…she might kiss you but she also might want to kill you. In a way I don't blame her."

"I know. It was wrong, I just…"

"Abandoned her. You abandoned her. Right when she needed you most."

"I didn't know what to do, alright? I panicked. You just saw that room, Dorian. What you didn't see was…her in action."

"Commander, with all due respect, you didn't see her find those bodies, or watch her have to kill her own brother."

_He has a point. You don't know the whole story. _The two men stood there eyeing each other off and sizing each other up. The best friend, and the lover, both just wanting the best for her, both willing to do anything for her.

"I should go to her."

"Yes you should. I have some things I need to take care of, but she shouldn't be left alone."

He nodded at the mage as he started to leave. Sin was lucky to have a friend like Dorian, a guardian to protect her when he couldn't.

"Oh, and Commander?"

"Mmm?"

"Deary, if you ever pull this shit on her again, I will kill you."

He said it with a smile on his face but his dark eyes were full of promise. Cullen had no doubt that Dorian would deliver on that promise. Turning towards the balcony doors, he finally gathered the courage to step towards them.

At first he didn't see her, that was probably the way she wanted it. Tamsin was leaning up against the wall, sitting on the railing of the balcony, as if the fifty foot drop to the ground on the other side wasn't even there. She was wearing one of his shirts again, even with the belt around her waist, it swum on her petite frame. Her hair loose, her legs and feet bare, she looked like a beautiful ghost of the woman he loved. She turned and fixed her piercing violet eyes on his. They were ringed in red and so full of pain, and pain alone.

"You must hate me…"

"I could never hate you. I am starting to feel as though I'll never really understand you though."

"I wouldn't want you to. I'd be too scared you'd turn away again…and I wouldn't blame you for it…"

He caught the anguish in her face as she turned away from him, like she truly believed he would leave her if he really could see inside her head. He had never seen her like this, so raw, so vulnerable, so unbelievably broken.

"I'm sorry. I…I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to…if I could help you. Believe me when I say I have never regretted anything as much as I do that moment, and that really is saying something, Sin."

Those eyes were suddenly on him again, full of curiosity and reservation. She slowly unfurled herself, and with the grace only an elf could muster, gently landed down from the railing.

"You regret that many things?"

"Sin, I've never spoken of Kirkwall to you…or of the blight. I was a very different person back then."

He began to tell her about the man he had once been when he was younger, about the things he had done and the things he had been through. How he wasn't this perfect person people here seemed to think he was. By the time he'd told her everything she needed to know, they had watched the sun set and the stars begin to shine, and she was curled in his lap as he sat on the railing leaning against the wall.

"So you see, I might not know exactly, I'm not exactly like you, but I am more like you than you think. Don't be so afraid to let me in."

An elegant hand reached up and caressed his face, and pulled him down into a tender kiss. She turned in his lap to straddle him and began to deepen it, but he took her face in his hands and broke it. It took every ounce of strength he had, but he had to do it. Too many times had they done this, used sex as a distraction, as a temporary patch to take the pain away. Jumping into bed with each other like it would stop time. Inadvertently hurting each other and bandaging themselves up, over and over again. This time had to be different. They had come too close to losing each other, and the dread he had felt at the thought of being without her told him that it wasn't a risk he wanted to take.

"Sin, we can't. We can't just keep hurting each other and then…"

_Stay the course, mate. Fuck. Maker preserve me, those eyes, that mouth…_ The two most enchanting eyes in the world stared into his, puzzled, begging, and a little rejected. She was just so beautiful. He wanted desperately to pick her up and screw her against the wall, claim her right here on the balcony for the whole of Skyhold to see, but he couldn't. If this was a game of chess and he wanted to win, that was a move he couldn't make yet. They needed to connect properly, he needed to know she forgave him, he needed to be able to forgive her. Suddenly her face softened and she let out a long, exasperated sigh.

"…you're right. We can't keep patching ourselves up. It's like replacing one addiction with another."

"Exactly, not that that's an addiction I would in any way mind having, but… talk to me. What's going on in that perfect head of yours."

"Ha. Interesting word choice. Right now there's nothing perfect about it. I can't even look at my own hands. There was just so much blood…I keep thinking they're still thick with it and then I blink and realize they're clean. I can still smell it. Then whenever I close my eyes…"

"What?"

"All I see is you…walking away."

"Sin…I…"

"It's okay. I just…I need to know that you…can forgive me. There was so much blood, I can't imagine what you must have thought of me."

"Well…if I'm being completely honest…I didn't really think. I knew I wouldn't like what I was going to see, the second Dorian was shaking me awake and dragging me out of bed I knew. I knew when we saw the guards passed out. As I walked down the corridor and smelt it. I knew when I heard the sounds coming from in there. I knew it was going to be bad, I just…never thought you were capable of that kind of violence, that level of cruelty. Tamsin, I panicked. Truth be told my body almost moved on it's own, I was just so stuck on that moment…you, there…"

"…and all that carnage."

"Yes, and I just went into survival mode. I couldn't fight it so I retreated, and…I was a selfish prick and a coward. You're not the one who needs my forgiveness. Grief is toxic. I can't hold you accountable when I think about everything that led you to that point. I can't say how I would have acted if it happened to me, but I can see how it would be hard to stay in control. Grief drove you to those things, I on the other hand, have no excuse, nothing apart from my own weakness."

"Cullen, let's be frank, you saw me rip out someone's heart, while looking right at you, knowing how you felt about the things I was doing. Normal people go a lifetime without seeing anything like that, let alone at the hands of person they love. I might not have been acting rationally but there was still a part of me that had just been waiting for the chance to get back down there…there always had been. The last few months I have been…struggling controlling myself. This was just the proverbial straw and I took it and ran with it. I could have just walked in there and slit his throat, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to suffer, I wanted to punish him for what he did. He ripped my heart out so I…It wasn't like I didn't think about how it would effect you either…I just chose not to care. I deliberately chose that."

She was right. They both had a lot to answer for. The question was, could he forgive her? It seems that she was enough herself at the time to know what she was doing was wrong. What he saw her do though, essentially it was executing a prisoner who really deserved it anyway by all accounts, wasn't it? Then again, that level of overkill, that much wickedness, the sight of it had chilled his bones. She had chosen her vice over him, consciously and clearly. How could he trust her not to do it again? Leliana's words echoed in the back of his head like she were right there sitting on his shoulder: _She's better with you. _If she had lost that control, if she had changed, then maybe he could help her get it back. He loved her, unconditionally, irrevocably. She was better with him, and he was his best with her. Yet he still had to know more, there had to be more to it.

"What did he say to you? I need to believe he said something to you to make you do…those things."

"He said I thought I was so untouchable…it was all about teaching me a lesson and trying to scare me. And it worked. Scared me right back to who I used to be."

"Nobody's untouchable, Sin."

"Huh…that's the kicker though, I thought I was. I thought Link was capable enough, to the point I never, ever thought he was in danger. I thought you were safe here. Everything I held dear I thought was safe, I thought there was nothing they could do to me."

"That's why you ordered me to stay..."

"I'm sorry. Believe me I didn't want it to come to that but, it was the only way to make sure you would. I hated myself for it, you have to know that."

_Oh sweetheart. You fool. You beautiful little fool. _She had just been trying to protect him. If she had have told him, explained all this to him then maybe things would have turned out differently. None of them were safe in this world, and she had finally learnt that lesson in the hardest way possible. He was all she had left now, he wasn't going to abandon her again.

"I love you, with every breath in my lungs and every beat of my heart. Sin, there isn't anything I couldn't forgive you for, the fool I am. You're stuck with me, until the day I die, like it or not. Just promise me you'll talk to me. When the weight of the world is on your shoulders, let me help you carry it."

"It's just…it's not so easy for me to let people in. When you grow up on a steady diet of secrets and lies, trust becomes a liability. Yet, in spite of all of that I do trust you. I'd forgiven you the second I realized what I'd done. There's nothing you could ever do to lose me. I couldn't stop loving you even if I tried."

He took her face in his hands, bringing her forehead to meet his. How was it that this incredible woman was his? She was equal parts beautiful as she was ruthless and cunning. To the rest of them, she was powerful beyond measure, vicious, brave, and tougher than an old boot, but she was so much more than that to him. To him, she was safety, she was, salvation, she was everything, and together they were capable of anything.

Soft lips found his, and this time he wasn't stopping her. He grabbed her thighs as her slender arms laced around his neck and her lips began to savagely claim his, her hands fisting in his hair. He swung them down from their spot on the railing, turning and slamming her into the wall. Long legs wrapped around his waist, nimble fingers tugging at the lacing of his breeches.

_Always so eager... _He took her wrists and pinned them above her head in one hand, breaking free from her kiss to run his lips down her neck. He ripped open her shirt, and kept going until his mouth found her breast, grazing his teeth over her nipple, drawing a growl of longing from deep in her chest.

"Cullen…while we're on the topic of honesty…"

"Mmmm…"

He was so engrossed in her perfect tits that he almost didn't hear her. He flitted his gaze up to meet hers, honey caramel meeting…were her eyes glowing?

"You can stop holding back now."

_Wait, what? How does she know… _Releasing her nipple from his mouth, he gawked at her, gob smacked. A perfect giggle escaped her lips.

"Baby, I'm a spy. I'm observant. You think I really didn't know? Come on, show me what you've really got. I'm not made of glass you know."

_What? No way. This is not really happening, is it? How could she know? _Still completely shocked, he let her slide down the wall to stand on her own two feet in front of him. Nobody knew that about him. Absolutely nobody.

"What gave me away?"

"Well, for starters, it takes one to know one. Also, that first time, the look in your eyes when you saw me, draped on your bed and hungry… You weren't worried because you were rusty, you were afraid of losing control, of me judging you. Then that night you…slipped up, there was less hesitation. You clearly felt more in control of yourself. I was sure after that."

Quick as a flash her delicate fingers were unbuttoning his shirt, sliding it off his shoulders as she circled him like a hawk. Gliding across his skin, leaving just enough of a trace for him to crave her touch even more.

"I want you to be yourself. Your pure, unadulterated self. Trust me when I say I can handle it."

Those hands. Sliding into the front of his breeches, making short work of the lacing. Ultraviolet eyes gazing up at him as sensual lips began to kiss their way down his stomach. A long tongue licking along the skin just above his breeches. Perfect teeth tugging them down.

_Oh…Sin…fuck…_ A carnal moan rattled from deep in his chest as he felt her tongue run along the length of him. Snaking around his tip and flicking it before her lips closed around him, teeth gently grazing on their way down. Tongue rolling around him and head twisting in the opposite, as she took him in and out of her mouth. Slowly, torturously. All the while with those wide violet eyes fixed on him, watching him, enjoying seeing the power she had over him. She was challenging him, daring him to take it from her.

Grasping a handful of her silver blonde hair, he yanked her off him and pulled her to her feet, snatching the belt from around her waist and allowing her shirt to fall to the floor. He spun her around by her hair, and forced her against the balcony, her hands grabbing the railing. Spreading her legs with his, he lashed her perfect backside with the belt, and slammed into her, soliciting a yelp of pleasure and pain from her flawless and talented mouth.

He pulled her hair, jerking her head back roughly, and belted her again.

"AHH! Andraste's tits, Cullen!"

_Oh shit, was that too hard?_

He hesitated as he saw the welts appearing on her skin; that had been a bit harder than it really should have. It had been a long time since he'd been able to indulge his dark side; he was out of practice.

"Stop being nice about it and fuck me already!"

_I guess not._

He did as he was told, like he probably would for the rest of their lives. The sound of her screaming his name as he pounded her and whipped her was exhilarating. Just when he thought he couldn't hold on any longer, her back arched, her muscles tensed around him and she let out a final ear-spitting shriek. It sent him over the edge and he exploded inside her.

"…fuck, Sin."

She looked over her shoulder at him as he planted gentle kisses on her shoulder blade.

"See, isn't it better to be ourselves?"

"Ha, you're not wrong."

"No more holding back?"

"No more holding back."

"Good. I'll hold you to that in about twenty minutes. You better not disappoint me, otherwise it'll be my turn and I'm nowhere near as gentle as you just were."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Deadly."

_Maker's breath, where have you been all my life? _The salacious smile on her lips told him she really, definitely was not kidding. He thought he knew the full extent of the darkness in her but she'd shown him again how wrong he was. They'd both been holding back, each afraid the other wouldn't be able to handle the depths of their debauchery. She was unlike any woman he'd ever been with. Brave, intelligent, beautiful, strong, and maybe even just as fucked up as he was.

"Andraste's tits I love you, Sin."

They were in this together now. Two catastrophically broken people, each just as scarred, depraved, and haunted as the other. They were drifting through a sea of war and demons, in a world they were charged with saving, desperately clinging to each other for survival. Apart they were formidable, but together, they would be unstoppable.


	6. Epilogue: Acceptance

She sat leaning against the freshly carved stone in the courtyard, the earth still settling back into it's place beside her. She twisted the sprig of orange blossom in her fingers, crushing its leaves and inhaling its smell; all she had left of her former life. The stars twinkled above her in the cloudless night sky, as a gentle breeze moved the branches of the tree above her. Lost so deeply in her thoughts, she was startled when he came to sit beside her and softly kissed her on the cheek.

"I thought I might find you here."

"Yes well…I was waiting for you in your bed but I just suddenly felt the need to come here instead. Plus I had been there for three hours and you still hadn't shown up."

"Hey, you're the one that scheduled that meeting, don't go blaming me because you cock blocked yourself."

She looked over to see that charming, smug smile on his face, the one that made her weak at the knees.

"Did you just say 'cock blocked'? Ser Cullen Stanton Rutherford your language these days, and in the presence of a lady! Josie is right, I really am rubbing off on you."

His laugh was loud and warm, and it bounced around the courtyard and right into her heart. She had missed moments like this. The tension free kind they had shared in the beginning, before they'd seen each other's rawness laid out like a skin ready for tanning.

"Is there a lady here? My eyesight must be failing because I can't see one anywhere."

"Arse!"

She playfully slapped him over the ear as they both struggled to control their laughter.

"Solas really did do a brilliant job of the tree."

"Yes, he really did. Link would have loved it. He loved these flowers, though of course he would never admit to it. It was adorable how he thought nobody knew about it in a clan full of spies."

Looking at the bloom in her hands, tears began to well in her eyes. She had relived that moment over and over again in her nightmares. Her brave, selfless little brother. The light going out of his eyes. Her blade lodged in his neck. It had been his plan, his idea, but he wasn't the one who had to live with it. Her breathing became shallower, and her hands began to shake.

"Hey, Sin, it's alright. I'm here."

Cullen folded her into his arms and hugged her tight to his chest, planting a reassuring kiss on her forehead.

"Sweetheart, talk to me. You promised me you would talk to me. It's been weeks. Don't think I haven't noticed your nightmares. You can't keep bottling this up. Dorian and I are concerned. Please, talk to me."

Their eyes met and she felt the anxiety in his gaze. She had talked through what happened with Alexius with him, but she'd spoken to nobody of Link, not even Dorian, and he was there. What if they didn't understand? How could he understand? None of them could. Yet here he was, willing to try, and of course being completely right; she did need to stop burying the pain.

"I…I'm afraid you won't understand."

"Try me."

"Well…what has Dorian told you so far?"

"He told me they basically tried to ransom him, a trade, you for him. Though he doesn't believe for a second they weren't going to kill both of you."

"Yes, well neither did I. At first I thought they were trying to black mail me. Livius found out some…information about my past that Josie would possibly find problematic. I thought he was going to try and use it against me somehow, even though it wasn't exactly a damning piece of intel. What was more concerning was that Link had seen a reason to tell him. He promised me he would never tell anybody."

"Tell them what?"

_You need to tell him. He told you about Kirkwall, you can tell him about The Marches. _

"Well…you know how you used to be…different when you were younger?"

"You mean when I served the circle?"

"Yes, exactly. Well, I used to be different too. Have you heard the stories about the White Fox of the Free Marches?"

"Yes, of course, who hasn't? She's a legend. Wait…you're not telling me…you? You're her?"

Eyes firmly planted on her feet she nodded her head slowly. She wasn't sure how he would take this. Opinion was so divided on the Fox, he might love her or hate her for it, she couldn't be sure.

"So you're telling me, the White Fox was a teenage girl? You were a sixteen year old vigilante hero of the people? Maker's breath Leliana was right, you really are a master."

She was scared to look at him at first. He hadn't reacted positively or negatively to the news and it was making her uneasy. She finally found the courage to lift her stare from her feet to his face, relieved to see that smirk there to greet her.

"Yes. I was. The only people who knew were my father and my brothers. Now the only people who know are you, Dorian, Cole, and of course that bitch Vivienne. I could have gone a million years without her knowing."

"You never cease to surprise me you know? You know who would love this, don't you?"

"Who?"

"Varric."

"Oh, Creators don't you dare!"

"Relax, your secret's safe with me. I still don't understand how this information would help the Venatori. I can tell you for one thing that in Ferelden the people were quite taken with stories of your adventures. I don't see how it could be damaging to your reputation, at least not there."

"Yes, well, my thoughts exactly. Though I now understand why Link told Livius about it. He had to make him think I would do anything to save him, that I was blinded by my protective instincts for my people. Nothing would have proven that to him more than revealing my identity. I was ruthless when it came to protecting my loved ones and my people; all of the innocent people of the Marches really. It was very clever of him."

_You always were the smartest, Little Bear. _She stroked the stone beside her, tracing her fingers through the carvings of her brother's grave marker. The Elvish script meant very little to anyone here except her.

"He sounds like a very clever lad. I wish I could have known him, he would have proven useful to the Inquisition too if he would have had us."

"He really would have. He was so bright. Too bright it would seem. He was never afraid of sacrifice like the rest of us were. He understood it's necessity, that there comes times when you need to pay the price for victory, no matter how high."

"He knew you'd make the most rational choice and that you'd be capable of doing what needed to be done."

Feeling the surge of tears once again, she forced her eyelids shut tightly. It had been what he wanted, but it was still so hard to accept. To accept that she would never again see his smile, or braid his hair to keep it out of his face the way that mother used to, to lay in the grass and discuss with him the mysteries of the universe the way she never could with anyone else. She would never see any of them again. She would never spar with Silas, or taunt him from the tops of the balance pillars. She would never ride Halla and shoot arrows at targets through the woods with Killian. She would never booby trap the camp for kicks with Tristan, and run away when the elders ended up covered in feathers and mud. They were all gone. She was alone. The last Lavellan.

"He knew me too well. I wish now that he hadn't. I would give anything to trade places with him, I'd dive into the Fade a thousand times over if it would mean bringing him back."

"I know, but you can't. Now, the best thing you can do is to not let his sacrifice be in vain."

He was absolutely right. She had been wallowing in her own misery for weeks now, sending her agents out on missions she should have been on herself. The Inquisition had suffered under her grief, but the time for grief was over. She needed to move on and do what her brother would want her to do; save the world. Heaving a sigh of defeat, she opened her sparkling violet eyes at looked up at him.

"I know. You're right. I'll get there one day."

"I'm sorry, what? Can you repeat that? I could have sworn you said I was right about something."

"You. Are. Right. There, happy? Better savour it because it's not going to happen again."

"Oh, I will."

He rose to his feet and extended a hand to her, that wry, smug grin pasted on his face like the wind had changed and it had stuck there. Her brothers might be gone, but she was finally starting to realize she wasn't alone. She had him.

"Come on, I know how we can take your mind of all this."

"Commander, are you propositioning me?"

She took his hand and squealed in shock as he pulled her up and immediately swung her over his shoulder, her stomach cushioned by the feathers on his pauldrons; turns out they were good for something after all.

"You bet your perfect elven arse I am."

She squeaked again when he smacked her backside, and carried her off through the courtyard, into the Great Hall, past a shocked Josephine and several visiting dignitaries, and up the stairs to her quarters. They were definitely going to hear about this tomorrow, but they didn't care.

"Oops. You better make this the best sex I've ever had, Josie might actually kill us this time!"

"Challenge accepted."

"Sin, sweetheart, wake up. It seems our hour of execution is upon us."

When she opened her eyes she saw Josephine standing at the end of her bed, hands firmly planted on her hips. She glared down at them with the burning fury of a thousand suns, steam practically coming out of her ears. They were in trouble alright. Josie was so pissed she hadn't even waited for them to get up, she was going to do this right here, right now, the pair of them still stark naked under the sheets.

"What were you two thinking? Are you insane! Do you have any idea what people will say about this! Maker take me! What do you have to say for yourselves?"

_Oh shit, here we go. _Tamsin and Cullen shared a look of stifled amusement at the situation, why on earth did it matter if they were together? He opened his mouth and beat her to the punch.

"We…errr… were just improving foreign relations?"

_Oh Creators, baby, she's going to murder you for that. _She snorted aloud, unable to control her laughter any longer, and began to snicker into her chest. Soon the pair of them were trying and spectacularly failing to keep straight faces.

"Foreign relations? Really, Commander? You think this is funny? It's not enough that I have to explain last night to the Nevarran chancellor, but now he's also asking questions about something he saw you two doing on that balcony a couple of weeks ago!"

"Oh, shit, I didn't think anyone could see us from down there! That's awkward."

"Well as it turns out, Inquisitor, they can. Especially at seven o'clock at night from the battlements by the tavern. Awkward doesn't even begin to cover it! Honestly, can you two at least try to be discreet? You're driving me to drink with these shenanigans!"

"What does it even matter, Josie? It's not like it's a crime."

"She's got a point Ambassador, why does it matter?"

"Because, Commander, it just…does. For one, some people around here don't approve of you two living in sin and flaunting it about the place like a new set of boots. Not to mention that it looks rather unprofessional for the Inquisitor to be seen being spanked over the railing of a balcony by the Commander of her military forces! We are supposed to be saving the world here, how are people supposed to have faith in us if you two can't stay out of each other's pants for more than five minutes!"

Josie was furious, she keep looking between the pair of them in utter disbelief that they couldn't seem to see what she was saying. Sin managed to reign in her laughter, and shot Cullen a glance urging him to do the same.

"She has a point, Cullen."

"Yes, you're right. Fine, Josie. No more balcony spankings."

"Or stealing rope from the quartermaster? Or shackles from the prison? Or riding crops from Master Dennet? No more carrying the Inquisitor over your shoulder like a sack of flour?"

"Yes, none of that…well…I'll try."

"You had better, Commander! And you, no more leading him around the place by the front of his breeches! Or grabbing backsides at the War Table! And for Andraste's sake please try not to wake all of Thedas with your….noises!"

"Yes, Lady Ambassador."

"You two are going to be the death of me! I'll see you this afternoon."

Josephine strode off down the stairs in a huff. When they heard the lower door click shut, Sin and Cullen collapsed into a pile of giggling and sheets.

"Well, we're still alive."

"That we are. I think we should celebrate, thoughts?"

"Agreed, and I know exactly how."

She moved to sit on his hips as he lay underneath her, his hair snarling in messy golden waves on the pillow.

"Oh is that so? Do enlighten me Inquisitor?"

"Where _is_ that rope you stole from the quartermaster?"

There it was again, that grin, this time peppered with lust and a hint of excitement. He slowly shook his head at her and pointed to a knapsack on the floor by her desk.

"Ropes at six in the morning? You really never cease to amaze me."

"Well I do aim to please."


End file.
